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Less Frequently Asked Questions

My Time Machine isn’t working. What should I do?
We have produced the Time Machine Time Table in an attempt to provide an entertaining look at world history. Time Travel isn’t actually possible at present. If you have been sold a Time Machine by Craig from Tunbridge Wells we regret to inform you that you have been conned. 

How long does the misfortune in Misfortune Cookies last?
If your message was ‘You will have red hair’, this lasts for a while.
We aren’t creating the bad luck, we’re merely identifying what’s around the corner.
Another reason why we’ve stopped selling them.

I don’t know why my Netflix isn’t working. Can you come round and fix it?

How can I stop Invisible Jim staring at me like that in the night?
We have checked our records Ian and can guarantee that no doll was included in your package. If you continue to experience the feeling of someone staring at you, may we suggest you see a professional to work through those guilt issues.

Why is there no white dog shit anymore?
We have been collecting it at night and plan to make a big sculpture.
Art Gallery TBC.

Should I ask Cheryl out on a date?
We don’t know you or Cheryl, but thanks for asking.
The answer is complicated.
If you have asked her out before and she’s said no, then no.
Unless that was because she had a boyfriend at the time but now is single.
Then yes.
But if you are flying out to a conflict zone next week, no.
Or if you are related, again, no.
If she has given you subtle hints like saying ‘When are you going to ask me out?’
Then ask her.
If it’s appropriate, we hope things work out for you and Cheryl and that you avoid any substantial prison time.

Do I have to keep reading this website? I have a banana cake in the oven.

For more Frequently Asked Questions click here.

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